In Conclusion...

It's been quite a while since I've updated this. And, I'm very happy to say, this will be my last blog post. At least, the last one about Peace Corps.

I've been home about 4 1/2 months now, and I've had some time to sit and think about everything that has happened in the last two years of my life. Wow. So much, so little, all at the same time.

I've gotten a lot of questions about everything since I've been back, but to sum them all up, everyone pretty much wants to know, "So. How was it?"

What a HUGE question!! Depending on my mood, the answer will be "Good" or a 15 minute diatribe about development in South Africa. Let's try and find a middle ground, shall we?

All in all, yes, it was good. Was it good all the time? No. Definitely not. Would I do it all over again? Yes. Would I do it a second time? Well...not right now. Maybe later. Waaaaaaaaaaaaay later. Am I happy I did it? YES.

I feel that over the past two years, parts of me and my personality and my outlook on life were lost in order for me to gain a greater sense of reality. But, I think that was necessary. The idealistic kid from Wisconsin who thought that with enough love, energy, and determination, you could improve the whole world is not who I am anymore. I still think those three things are essential if you are going to change something, I've just scaled back what that something really is. I think that you, or me, or any other PCV, or any other development worker, can really only do so much as one person. To think that you will "save the world" is absurd. To think that you will improve living conditions for your whole community in just two years is such a tall order. To think that you will change individual lives, now that's more realistic. You will. We did. I did.

I have developed a sense of pride about my Peace Corps service. I'M REALLY PROUD OF WHAT I DID. To belittle PC and act like none of us are really doing anything is too small. It's shrugging off such a greater responsibility that we all have to ourselves and to the communities for which we were chosen. When we were doing nothing, other people were doing nothing with us. Sometimes those other people were other PCVs. And those other PCVs are now my family. Our weird, messed up, fantastically wonderful family. I love them, so so much. (I LOVE YOU GUYS!) Sometimes those other people were my coworkers. And you know what we did when we did nothing together? We bonded. We laughed. We stared at each other when there was nothing else to do. But above all, we respected each other. And sometimes I did nothing with my host family. My host family, the diamond in the rough, the thing that kept me going when I didn't think I could. The source of all validation in a place where I didn't think I could find any. People who loved me like I was part of their family from the beginning. And sometimes, those people who did nothing with me? They were total strangers. But we were equals. We were equals waiting and sweating on the taxi. We were equally disgusted at some people's comments, and some people's choices. We equally cared about all those kids. Our kids. We were equals. Taking things one day at a time. So yeah. I did a whole lot of nothing. I don't think there's any shame in that. I did a lot of other stuff too, but look at what happened when I did nothing. There's a whole lot of love that came out of nothing.

So after all that...do I miss South Africa? Wow...the $10,000 question. Honestly? No. I don't miss it at all. I miss some of the people I met there. I miss them a whole lot. But, my life is here. I am happiest here, I smile more, I laugh more, I sleep through the night, and I have a great time with my wonderful friends and family. I am so happy to be back home. This is where I need to be right now.

I'm forever grateful for everything that I learned in the last two years. I think it make me grow up, it made me slow down, and it made me appreciate the intricacies of human beings. I understand that a person is a person, no matter what country they're from, and that we need to be more gentle with each other. Life is delicate. And it's special. And some people have a larger hill to climb than others, but we're all deserving of respect and admiration. But, most importantly, we need to love. When you have nothing, and you think you can't give anything more, there is always love. And love is the most appreciated of all sentiments. I know it sounds cheesy, but if everyone just loved each other a bit more, I really do think it would matter. It mattered in my life--especially during these past two years.

So, how do I end this post? My friend Megan has this quote at the bottom of her emails. I also stuck it at the bottom of mine for a while. I think it pretty much sums up my last two years of life as a Peace Corps Volunteer more perfectly than any blog post could ever do. So here it is. Enjoy.

"If in our daily life we can smile, if we can be peaceful and happy, not only we, but everyone, will profit from it. This is the most basic kind of peace work." -Thich Nhat Hahn

Censorship

I've been sitting on this idea for a really long time, but wasn't really quite sure how to put it out in the public domain. And you know what? Who cares! I'm just going to type away and see what happens.

Before I came here, censoring things was not part of my reality. Makes me think of North Korea, China (Chah-nah), and apparently, Ethiopia as well. But me? Come on now. Grew up in Wisconsin, live in Seattle, blah blah blah. Kind of boring. No one cared what I said! Or at least, cared enough to censor me.

Then a funny thing happened. I came to Peace Corps, volunteered under the US Government, and now a whole lotta people care what I have to say. Weird. I knew that I'd have to censor things on this blog like where I lived, how I viewed politics, some negative personal opinions, etc etc. (And yes, I realize that I haven't done the best job. Oops.) But now there's a whole new dimension of censorship.

I wrote a post once about a highly visible public figure in SA politics. I had a lot of opinions in there. My dad read it, and strongly urged me to remove it from my blog. He explained that if things went bad here during the election, and in light of the xenophobic violence that has been happening, that my post may make me a target. You know...I had never thought of that. I mean, who cared what I had to say? But he was right. I'm not living in the US anymore. I can't take relative safety and security for granted anymore. (Bring it on...I'm so ready to get that back in my life!) So I deleted the post, and will never publicly write anything about the way I feel about politics here. It's just not appropriate, or safe.

Then came the censoring for the sake of myself and my other PCV friends. Our new CD has been rumored to closely follow (or have someone else closely follow) our blogs to find out if we are following all the rules, and to see if we are writing anything about vacations for which we may or may not have submitted appropriate and accurate leave forms. So, for the sake of all my friends, as I'm not sure who was or was not following the rules at any given point, I've pulled all my vacation pictures and stories because I don't want to get anyone busted. So there's more censorship.

Then, I had to put in a censor/filter on other things I write about. I have a whooooooooooooooooole lot of opinions about how things are going here. What kind of state this country is in, the value of Peace Corps within this country, the quality and competency of Peace Corps staff and volunteers, what kinds of things actually happen to me and my friends here, and I am never going to write anything about any of those topics. Although, those are the topics that I talk and think about the most.

Basically, I feel like even though I think critically about a lot of different things here, I can never write about them. And I bet a lot of other volunteers are doing the same thing. So if you read these blogs to gain a better understanding of what it is like to be a PCV in South Africa, I wonder how accurate a picture you are actually getting. Again, food for thought.

The Offense of Photography

I looked back on my blog today, and kind of laughed. Man oh man, I am all over the place on this thing! One week is great, next week it's awful, blah blah blah. Well, I suppose that's all the truth. But, I also noticed that I hardly have any pictures on here. Part of that is due to censorship, so as my vacations won't get anyone in trouble, but there's also another reason to it all.

I am having a hard time taking pictures of people and their lives here. I guess I hadn't really thought about why I wasn't taking pictures, but this past week I had a revelation about it. I was out in a car with one of my co-workers, and we drove past this pretty awful situation. There were hundreds of people living on this piece of land, with no shelter or anything. And, as we were driving by, I saw this one guy filming the situation with a big huge camera, like the kind they use for the news. I followed his line of sight and I saw him filming these 4 people, all with dirty, ragged clothes, crouched around a fire while they were making pap in a tin coffee can that was resting in the fire. And...I was disgusted. I mean, geez, these are people's lives! Sure, they are in a pretty awful situation, but at this particular location, they were just waiting (for weeks) in order to obtain paperwork from the South African government so they can begin working and making a better life for themselves. Yeah, that situation sucks. But they are still people. And people have dignity and pride. To just bust into that and start filming, not making any contact with the subjects of the filming whatsoever, just seems to me like a huge invasion of privacy. I mean, these people have lives, they have stories, and maybe if this film guy would go over and talk to them, and try to understand their situation, maybe that would make me feel better. But to just film their situation for the shock value...sickening. I hate that.

I started thinking, maybe that's why I don't really take any pictures anymore. At least, pictures of people that I don't know personally. It makes me feel like I'm stealing a part of them. That they all have a history, and a story, and I'm bypassing all of that, disregarding it all, and just taking a snapshot of this moment in time. I'm not sure why that unsettles me so much, but it does.

So maybe that's why I don't have many pictures on here, why this blog is kind of boring. But really, I'm ok with that. I hope you are too.

I salute you, Mmapula.

Megan is my buddy. Not like the kind of buddy where you're like, oh, hey buddy, what's up. But the kind of buddy where you know when things go wrong, or things go right, or things just...go, she'll be there, and she'll understand, and you can say anything you want and know that never will she be offended, or judge you, or think less of you as a person. I don't really know how to describe that type of person, especially that type of person who can digest not only her own experience, but mine and others' as well. However, after reading this post of hers (I pasted it below), I think you may understand. I salute you, Mmapula, for being here. And doing, or not doing, what it is that you are doing, or not doing, in Metz village.

-------------------------

With what little light coming through that window, we are like trees

I knew this was coming and have been mentally bracing?, distancing?, preserving?, myself for how things were going to unfold, but I gotta tell you things still sway me, still hit my core. I'm sitting here, half a asleep, a little stunned, and not emotional at all, staring at the light that comes through my little window. This week the original group of 90 something people (my group, 2007-2009), the NGO side having 43, is losing 2 more volunteers. Yeah, not much to say. Everything swirls around events that lead up to these decisions of leaving. Everything. There's no real measure of how tough you are or if a person like you can really hack it. There's no concrete idea of success or failure. It is what it all is. It's not so black and white, man, there are so many different shades of gray, and in so many ways I'm tired of pulling things apart to try and understand how all the results come out. I do know that I understand... on some level I can't even really put into words most of the time... why people leave. Why they stay. Why they're tired. Why they're angry. Why they wish to jump over the counter at the post office and hug the woman who didn't overcharge them. Why chocolate still seems to be soothing. Why tears still come. Why it's not about homesickness anymore. Why it's hard to gather words to describe something. Why "I understand" and "I know" have become phrases frequently used. Why lights at the end of the tunnel are where they focus their sights. Why, even after so much loss, when they hear someone is leaving or someone has been violated in some way, they feel the punch in the gut and then the feeling spreads through all the limbs. Why self preservation has become a goal. Why they know love is in all the chaos and they fight to find it. Oh, why they fight, fight, fight through the battle. Why they focus on the little things. Why they tell themselves that being productive and cranking out numbers is not the only reason they're here. Why they gotta do what they gotta do. Why they, even when they're so, so tired, still question why.

World AIDS Day 2008

We had our event yesterday, and for the most part, it was a huge success! All but one person/group showed up on time (or early!) which in South Africa is a pretty amazing feat in and of itself. We had a few minor issues, but all got resolved and our event kept everyone going all day. We had some key note speakers about HIV, TB, STIs, opportunistic infections, and nutrition. We also had a lot of performers, including some youth choirs, a drama group, a Swazi cultural dancing group, and a local hip hop group. Of course, we had a bit of jika ma jika as well! (Some spur of the moment dance contests.) I had lots of support from the Municipality and Barberton Mines, and by the end of our planning they really took ownership over this event, which is great. That's always the ultimate goal. The Municipal HIV/AIDS Coordinator was already talking about how they could do it better next year, which thrilled me. We're going to be the front page story in the Barberton Times Newspaper, so I'll see if I can scan it in and send it along. It seemed that everyone was enjoying themselves, and 18 people tested at the VCT mobile testing unit, so that's always good. I wish more had tested, but hey, 18 is a start. After the event was over, we fed everyone (some twice, three times, some that never even came to the event...) which was actually quite chaotic, but that's how they do it this side, so we went with it. I don't think I ever want to cater for 1000 South Africans ever again in my whole life, but definitely an interesting occurrence. All in all I am happy with the way it turned out, and hopefully some people walked away learning a thing or two.

Above: The crowd at Emjindini Sports Stadium. We estimated that about 300 to 350 came to the event.

Above: People in line to get HIV tests. This mobile VCT unit tested 18 people on 1 December. It's not a huge amount, but those are 18 people who now know their status.

Above: Someone from Barberton Mines frying up the wors! Wors wors wors. We had 1000 sausages, rolls, a can of juice, and an apple for all who attended.

Above: The Department of Health and Barberton Mines had informational booths for people to visit. They included information on nutrition (and sold vegetables from their income generating project in Verulam!), condom use, TB, STIs, and general health.

Above: The Coca Cola sound stage that we got donated for our event. Pretty cool contraption, huh? On it is the UYC Choir, one of the youth choirs that sang at the event.

Above: The traditional Swazi dancers from Barberton Mines. I love love love Swazi dancing, I think it looks so great!

Umjindi World AIDS Day 2008

This is the event that we've been working so hard on! The event will have mobile VCT testing units, and the presenters will be able to use the Coca Cola Sound Stage which has been donated for our use. The day will start at 11:00 with a soccer match, and then the main program will run from 12:00-4:00 and will include speeches from the Mayor and the Department of Health, and performances by choirs, drama groups, and cultural dancing groups. Light refreshments will be served at the end of the event. If you are in the area and would like to come, we'd love to have you! I'll write an update about how this event goes, I'm sure, as it is arguably the biggest thing I've been working on to date in South Africa.

Anna Found a Good Poem

I have a friend who is doing Peace Corps in Ethiopia, Anna. She and I went to school together in Seattle before we both parted ways for two (very different!) countries in Africa. Anyway, I was catching up on her blog, and she posted this great poem. I tried to copy and paste it but the spacing got all weird, and to tell you the truth, I'm just too lazy right now to figure it all out. So I'll just give you a link to her blog! The poem is called To an English Friend in Africa and is written by Ben Okri, a Nigerian poet.

So, you should read it. Especially you SA PCVs out there. Here's the link:

http://anniopia.blogspot.com/2008/09/to-english-friend-in-africa.html

Enjoy!